Shoe Pervert - shoe trends for spring

My feelings on the upcoming shoe trends for Spring (as according to Glamour magazine):

Safari/Tribal as worn by Madonna for Louis Vuitton:
Madonna's skin is too pale for these shoes, even fishnets didn't save it. The only way this works is on some very tall bronze amazonian goddess shimmering on a sun-drenched rock. The problem with London? There aren't any sun-drenched rocks.
Oh yeah, and I'm short, red-haired, extremely pale skinned... so not really an amazonian goddess. These shoes remind me of this, these shoes are bad.

Nice Tan:
Otherwise known as nude for amazonian goddesses - see above.
However, nude shoes shouldn't be written off, wearing big nude stilettos is a retro trick to make your legs look longer, and they go with everything. And if Kelly Brook feels the need to pull out this trick, normally proportioned women should too.

Hot metal:
Mmmmm, like a bit of metallic but you do have to be careful with this, sometimes metallic is so bang on trend but other times, it just look cheap. Primark cheap... in a chavvy way, not in a 'that's so cute, only a fiver from Primark? Go you' way.

Snakeskin:
So fucking hot they make me want to dance.

High shine:
Otherwise known as patent. The wonderful thing about this look is that it looks expensive but can actually be ripped off very cheaply. Dotty P always has a fabulous plastic selection usually costing just thirty quid. Nice. And it works in so many ways, on some worky brogues or a multi-strap multi-coloured disco extravaganza of a shoe.

Neons:
With spring comes colour. Lots of it.
One of the things I love about shoes is that you can go a bit crazy with a trend in ways that you can't with the rest of your wardrobe, it's a true way to express creativity without looking too 'out there.'
For example, neon pink shoes = quirky and cool.
neon pink outfit = blinds old people and frightens away hot men.

Sugar Rush:
Cutsey pastel colours, works well with soft suedey materials and a vintagey forties vibe. Awwww. Bring on the love hearts.

Inky hues:
When I was 15 I had a huge pair of inky blue platform strappy shoes purchased from Stead & Simpson in my home town centre of rural Essex. Now you can buy a similar pair in River Island for £69.99 and it's the height of fashion. In the interests of the recession, I am going to start burying through the deep recesses of my wardrobe and pull out these shoes. Stead & Simpson -ten years ahead of the trends, who knew?

Black n' Gold:
With lots of straps and maybe some tough gold chains (a'la the £70 pair from Top Shop). I'm salivating for a pair.