Thursday, 27 May 2010

10 ways to humiliate yourself when dating...

At work they find my dating stories rather amusing. In fact, one of them has suggested I keep a diary of my dating life as they believe these anecdotes will make a very amusing book, such as '101 ways to totally humiliate yourself.' (N.B. When I suggested this title a male colleague piped up 'I'd buy it'... maybe this is how I shall make my fortune!)
Anyway, the single life can be rather brutal. Often to deal with said brutality and the fact that actually I'm rather shy and the prospect of being incredibly charming over dinner scares the bejesus out of me, I may drink a bit. I'm also rather a lightweight. Cue getting blotto on said dates and making rather a prat of myself.
So that others don't have to suffer my fate, I am very generously giving you my top 10 tips to avoid the things you must NOT do while on a date!

1. Trust your instincts. Don't ever go on a date with a slightly sleazy Albanian barman from your local pub because you're feeling a 'bit bored' even though you feel very unsure about him. The barman will try to grope you, make offensive gestures at you and then call you frigid when miraculously you don't want to sleep with him.
2. Don't drink too much. Never, ever, drink three bottles of wine on a date. You will vomit repeatedly, sob mercilessly for a couple of hours and then spend the next day in bed with a terrible hangover thinking 'I am mental, I am actually mental!' This does not mean you won't hear from the guy again, however if he does ask you out again it will start with 'despite what happened...' and you will feel far too embarrassed to ever see him again.
3. If you're not over your ex, don't date. Never drunkenly email/text/telephone/twitter DM/facebook message/turn up at his house/all of the above your ex-boyfriend after a bad date. A bad date does not make your ex suddenly right for you or make any of the reasons why you split up disappear.
4. If you're not over your ex, don't date x2. Never drunkenly lose your temper with a guy you have just started seeing because he did something a bit like your ex-boyfriend used to do that really pissed you off. This new man is not your ex-boyfriend and so does not deserve any of the rage you seem to be harboring for said ex-boyfriend. It will also totally freak him out.
5. Insist on paying half. Just because a man has bought you dinner and some fancy cocktails it doesn't mean that you have to snog him if you have decided by the end of the night that you don't fancy him. Twice I have snogged a man out of guilt because he has treated me to a nice evening but I don't want to see him again. The first time I nearly vomited afterwards because he had a weird mole on his lip and it freaked me out. The second led to a very awkward kiss outside Clapham Junction station where I legged it before he had a chance to shove his tongue in. 
6. Respect yourself. If you are on a date and the man starts talking about how he thinks your mate is 'really hot' or starts watching 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' on the TV behind your head while you are trying to have a conversation with him, don't snog his face off... he is so obviously not that into you and has very little respect for you (and possibly women generally). In fact the right thing to do (and what I wish I had done) is to stand up, politely thank him for the drink and get the hell out of there as quickly as possible.
7. Don't be inappropriately forward. Never proposition a man over facebook when you have had too much to drink. Even if you are just after something quite casual, it never works and you just wind up feeling a bit stupid.
8. Pick somewhere with good lighting. I once went for a drink with a guy and the bar had this terrible strip lighting that for some reason made me look as though I had a green moustache on my upper lip. I only realised this at the end of the drink and amazingly, I didn't hear from him again.
9. Don't try to force things. In my experience trying to force the dating process by internet dating doesn't really work. I just met rather dull, unattractive - and in one case massively patronizing - men who I didn't feel any semblance of a spark with. A man can be witty and pithy over email and have the most flattering picture imaginable but it's how he is face to face that matters. These things work best when they happen organically and sometimes that means having to be patient for it. 
10. Have some privacy and a sense of decorum. Never give any details about your dating life on a public forum like your blog, twitter or facebook, you will offend people and... oh bugger.

Monday, 17 May 2010

I cannot give up chocolate for even one month.

So a little update post on my experiment into giving up chocolate for a month. The aim of which was to see if this had any effect on my mood and I decided to take it on after reading about a scientific study that suggested there was a link between chocolate and depression.
I have been conducting the experiment for 17 days and admittedly I have failed twice already. On my birthday my sister gave me a peanut butter cookie and I scoffed the lot before realising that it did in fact contain chocolate chunks. Also today, a colleague had hand made some chocolate macaroons. I honestly don't care if this means I have failed in my quest. The chocolate macaroon was so bloody good!
Despite this, I have made some observations about life without chocolate (or just, a lot less chocolate). Firstly, not eating chocolate has meant that I have discovered a whole world of naughty foods I used to ignore. I forgot about the amazingness of crisps, jelly beans, strawberry laces, jelly tots, foam bananas and shrimps, carrot cake... I could go on. Yes, it is true, as predicted I just replaced the chocolate with other sugery crap.
So, my intial experiment analysis was that it's not chocolate I am addicted to and has any effect over my mood but in fact it was sugar... and occasionally salt. This fits in very well with the theory of GI and energy highs and slumps.
Then, after eating the wonderful macaroon this morning and feeling completely satisfied for the first time in weeks, I realised something...
Just as a warning, total indiscretion alert coming up:
Not eating chocolate has made me even more horny than usual. It seems that chocolate curbs any, er, sexual needs in me.
Perhaps that's why chocolate lovers are more depressed, they aren't getting laid?!
This is a theory I must test further. I am to get back on the wagon and I will extend my experiment. I aim to give up pointlessly sugary things until the end of the month. This means no cake, no sweeties and other sugary rubbish. This way I can have a further analysis of my cravings (rather than just stuffing my face with jelly beans instead).