SALES!

Oh it's that time of year again, when women start wrestling each other in the name of heavily discounted fashion. 

As someone who generally shops in her lunch hour, I'm not always great at spending time meandering through sale rails pulling out bargains like rabbits out of hats. I'm of the swoop in and grab the sparkliest item variety of sale shopper, leaving all other fashionistas trembling in my wake. Especially my sisters, who do not share my sale shopping stamina. Some women obviously just don't have the inner sportswoman. 

This year my approach indeed fared me well - bright red Roland Mouret rip off dress - only £30 from Warehouse, am wearing it in work now, my lord I look fabulous. Lace pencil skirt from River Island I tried on a month ago and sadly put back because I couldn't afford it - only £17! Sky scraper red mock snakeskin heels down from £75 to £30, also River Island. And a cute little bow top with sheer panels from Top Shop, so now. And at £15, so mine.

I did spy another rather beautiful lace dress, again only £30 from Warehouse, down from £80. The lace glittered and shimmered, my tongue hit the floor at its ethereal and yet oh so on the pulse beauty. The skirt delicately flared just off the knee, the back teasingly open, the waist cinched tight. The sale rail only had a size eight. Sometimes I can squeeze into a size eight, perhaps not directly after Christmas but I could go on a diet, I HAD to fit into this dress.  Me and my sisters crowd into the fitting room, my sisters pull and struggle at the zip as I huff and puff, suck in my entire body to make it non-existent.

"I can go on a diet" I wail. 

"I don't think that will work" my red faced sister mutters, " it's not your fat that's the problem, your bones are too big." 

God damn my bones. Perhaps I could have a rib removed, you know, like Prince? 

Very sadly I followed the most important rule of sale shopping. A bargain is not a bargain if you can't get your arse into it. No matter how beautiful the dress. So my next mission, find another Warehouse that has that dress in a bigger size. I ain't letting this go, no goddamn way.